Along Came a Spider
by Imbrii
Summary: Watanuki sees a spider in his bathroom, with much flailing on his part and unexpected consequences. Spoilers for volume 7-8. Slight DoumekixWatanuki


**Along Came a Spider**

I started this some time ago, but only got around to finishing it because the latest chapters have been so depressing and I wanted something silly with a lot of Watanuki flailing.

Spoilers for the Spider's Grudge arc, it won't make sense if you haven't read to volume 7-8. Set shortly after it.

Slightly implied Donuts/104/DoumekixWatanuki.

Feedback is much appreciated.

* * *

Watanuki spent a brief moment, as he always did, wishing his apartment had a _real_ bath instead of a shower stall. With a sigh, he opened the frosted glass door and glanced down to take off his towel.

There was a spider by his foot.

There was a _spider_ by his _foot_.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Watanuki wailed at a pitch high enough to rival Maru and Moro. After the whole eye fiasco, he felt perfectly justified in losing all composure over a tiny eight-legged bug.

"You're out to get me, I KNOW IT!" he pointed an accusing finger at the small brown insect. "But I, the great Watanuki-sama, am not afraid!"

It wasn't very convincing.

The spider scuttled closer.

He scrambled back, yelping in fright and not even caring that the towel around his waist fell. Long arms flailing he ran to the relative safety of his bedroom, where he quietly freaked out on top of the blue futon.

"Get a hold of yourself! It's a little spider. You can—"

But no, he couldn't _squish_ the damned thing. Knowing his luck, it was related to that crazy spider lady that'd almost hurt Zashiki Warashi and he'd lose a foot and end up having to share _more_ body parts with that cretin Doumeki and then Yuuko would further increase his debt and have that horrid knowing grin of hers and demand more beer and at this rate spiders would force him to share his _entire body_ with the walking bottomless pit and Himawari-chan would say how they were so _close _and—AUGH!!

He needed to get rid of the damn spider _without _hurting it. Like hell he was going to touch it with his bare hands—that was _asking_ for trouble. So how could he minimize contact and chances of hurting the damn thing?

Searching his tiny studio apartment, he got the brilliant idea of tricking it onto a piece of paper so he could put it out the window, which was more important than putting on pants because that spider had to go before it snuck into his shampoo or grew as big as his head or something that would be _entirely Yuuko's fault_.

Delicately, he reentered the bathroom and threw open the window, pushing back the screen. The little bugger was nowhere in sight, lurking in the shadows, ready to steal his ears. With a sigh he learned against the wall, waiting for his nemesis to appear.

Something tickled his left hand.

_Don't look down. Don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tOHSHI-_

The spider was crawling over his fingers.

He shrieked like a little girl, spasming in an attempt to be rid himself of the bug. "GET OFF ME OFF OFF _OFF_! GO AWAAAAAAAY!" Like the poised, calm young man he was, he bolted from the bathroom again.

Once back in the safety of under the covers, Watanuki decided the damn shower could wait.

* * *

Something was wrong with Doumeki's face. Well, something was _always _wrong with his face because he had all the expression of a _rock _but today it was _weird _and _why wouldn't Doumeki look at him?_

But it was lunchtime and Himawari-chan was there and lovely so stupid greedy Doumeki could wait as Watanuki pondered the wonder of masses of curls against the chain-link fence surrounding the roof.

Then he saw it, as Doumeki snagged one of the octopus wieners, and wished he never did.

"YOU'RE BLUSHING!" exclaimed Watanuki.

Doumeki still refused to look at him.

"Why are you blushing? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PERVERT?"

The cretin did _not _just turn redder, because that would mean he was _right _and that would be _wrong _and _what the hell was going on?_

"Watanuki-kun and Doumeki-kun are so close!" giggled his heavenly angel.

He took a moment to spit and flail (but not _at_ her, never at her.)

That big stupid red face finally looked at him, which was _not helping_. "I saw."

"Saw what?" demanded Watanuki, heart racing. Stupid archery idiot with his short sentences and tiny brain and making no sense!

"The spider."

The overwhelming sense of dread almost choked him. "That meant you saw me—" he gurgled as Doumeki coughed and looked away

"Oh my!" Himawari-chan clapped her hands over her mouth. It looked suspiciously like she was covering a smile.

The silence was terribly loud. Watanuki wondered if people could spontaneously combust, because it sure as hell felt like he was trying to. He was not blushing. _That spider _was _out to get me! _

Shaking with rage, he stood up. "YOU TAKE THAT BLUSH BACK _RIGHT NOW_."

Silent, the big idiot sat there looking uncomfortable, like a _person_ with actual _facial expressions!_

"PERVERT!" he bellowed, finger pointed in accusation, temporarily forgetting Himawari-chan's delicate ears.

"I couldn't stop it."

"YOU ARE A LECHER TRYING TO PEEP AT ME!!!"

"Next time put on some pants. You forgot the soy sauce again," Doumeki mentioned as he inspected the bento, finding only a tiny star container of mayonnaise.

With that, Watanuki collapsed into a frothing, sputtering ball of rage before passing out from humiliation.

* * *

Watanuki stomped down the sidewalk, pretending the concrete was _stupid Doumeki's face_ as he made his way toward Yuuko's shop, pointedly ignoring the other boy beside him.

"Next time, call me."

"What?" Really, did that idiot always have to start in the middle of a conversation instead of the beginning‽

"Call me." Doumeki turned and looked at him, eyes intent. "I'll take care of the spider."

Watanuki ignored the pang as he remembered what happened not so long ago, covering it with more anger. "I'm not some girl that needs a guy to kill bugs for her!"

"To make sure I don't see things again."

"Oh." Well, that made sense. It was almost considerate, even. Maybe the cretin could be a half-decent person after a—…

"Unless you want me to." There was something suspiciously smirk-like on that horrible face.

"WHAT‽ WHY WOULD I EVER WANT _YOU_ TO SEE MY—"

"So loud," complained Doumeki, a finger stuck in the ear closest to Watanuki.

Then he heard Yuuko's laughter and something suspiciously like "Naughty, naughty!" from Maru and Moro and he knew the world was going to end. Or not, because it was just _that mean._


End file.
